I want to have your abortion
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize