The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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