I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
