When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Someone came in the potted fern
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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