There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
