my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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