I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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