i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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