dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
