She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize