youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
