Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
