At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize