i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
