apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
