I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's always time for handjobs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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