Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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