there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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