Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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