I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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