So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
