Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
