I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize