I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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