I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
