I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
