grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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