Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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