if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
