A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
