I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
