I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have feelings that need drinking.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
