i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
