i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
