I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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