if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize