Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
