Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He? As in you personified your dick?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
