Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
