I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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