saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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