I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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