By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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