sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
