I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
