Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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