using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
