I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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