there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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