Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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