im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize