That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
