WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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