you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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