So drunk, too bad you don't want this
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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