I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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