you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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