Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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