Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
