I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
